My obsession with weight
As far back as I can remember… I’ve always been obsessed about my weight. I have always believed I was overweight‚ not really obese but rather chubby. I would often be defensive when the subject of weight is brought up – especially if the discussion went within 5 meters of my weight. I would be just as defensive if a long-time-no-see friend says – "Parang tumataba ka". I would prefer it if somebody told me I was ugly than if somebody told me I was fat. Hey the truth hurts.
I had a full body… A round face with chubby cheeks. I had a full bosom (which caused me pain during sports activities), a flabby stomach, large thighs, large arms, large butt – really I couldn’t paint a more perfect picture of chubby o’l me. Imagine Judy Ann Santos when she wasn’t thin (was she ever?) – I know gross! but what the heck I need a reference – and put my name on their faces. Viola -> me. I have pictures I would rather burn then keep and I have clothes I don’t ever want to see again. The effect? I was constantly on a diet. Name it I have probably tried it: After 6 diet, 10-day crash diet, liquid diet, fruit diet, vegetarian diet, atkins diet, southbeach diet, diet pills, the zone diet, chocolate diet (oh yes there is such a thing), subway diet (which isn’t true by the way) etc etc. The only thing I haven’t tried was to go under the knife and actually have all this fat I’ve been complaining about shaved off my body. I enrolled in aerobics classes, taebo classes, went to the gym for 2 years, got involved in sports activities. The result? My weight went yo-yo. Up-down-up-down. I would lose 1-2 lbs then gain back 3-5. The cycle went on. I was stressing myself out getting in and out of diets, its amazing my body hasn’t complained a bit. I also went on unnecessary shopping sprees.. buying new clothes as I lost weight – confident to be wearing a sleeveless top finally – only to be buying new ones in a larger size two months later because I cant fit into the old ones anymore. Aarrgghh!! So frustrating to always be conscious about one’s weight. My friends and family (those who aren’t out to get you) often reassure me that I should be happy and content with what I am and not be too conscious about my weight. I – and about 10,000 other "normal" women – was never reassured.
The challenge? I ABSOLUTELY LOVE TO EAT! I am a very passionate person. And that includes the passion in the way I eat. I love food. I love eating. Eating is an art. I love the smell, the sensation, the taste. I love to try out new restaurants, new fast food, new dishes. I love desserts! I love chocolate and I would love to have those 2 exist together in a sumptuous concoction. I cant imagine anyone who doesn’t feel the same as I do. And I often feel sorry for those who are allergic to a kind of food like shrimp or seafood or even nuts.
Finally: I became too tired of monitoring my weight (I have a weighing scale in my room).. too tired of avoiding my favorite desserts.. too tired of buying clothes of smaller size hoping I will fit in them someday.. too tired of feeling bad when people would comment on my being a "bit healthier than usual". So I thought about it – what was really important to me? My weight or my happiness? I told myself I should stop stressing out about my weight. I accepted that my genes did not grant me a body similar to Kate Moss’s. And that I was happier when I have had a full meal or a full stomach. I became thankful that I had the means to eat at least 3x a day. A lot of other people aren’t as lucky. I resolved to change my point of view and told myself that I was beautiful – I may be a bit heavy but still beautiful. And if a man (oh yeah men have weight issues.. they have an issue with my weight 
) can’t take me for what I am then I have to just go and hope I find someone who will.
hey! i share your sentiments about our weight. just to give you a background, i used to weigh 105 lbs for my 5′5″ height. So that means I am a bit slim to start with. but that was before I gave birth mid-2006. now i am still 140 lbs (the last time i checked)!!! can you just imagine the torture of having everyone tell me I am fat? and to bring more torture to that, people tell me that everyday! as if i don’t know already what they’ve told me more than a dozen times. It gets so frustrating really. Before I get to enjoy eating a lot without the hassle of gaining weight, but after pregnancy, my metabolism slowed down. that’s why i find it hard to get back to the old self. anyways, i guess i’ve come to the point that saturation from all those comments got the better of me. i no longer give a damn to those who keep saying the same thing. I eat to my pleasure. besides, i am slowly inching my way to slimming down. i guess time was of the essence here.
@jogasarius
- Glad to meet you. I think a lot of what we feel really stems from the fact that we grew up in an era where “thin is in”. I mean even my own parents never fail to point out when Im gaining weight. My mom is also a diet freak herself – going through ballroom, then herbalife, soup diet, and all kinds of diet. Now I still consider myself “overweight” but just because of my height and overall physique. I should be just about 105 but weigh 118-120. I watch what I eat (most of the time) but I do not anymore pressure myself into starving just to make others see me as thin. Cheers!
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