Sometimes it’s only just about sex
From an article in Metro Magazine Feb 2007 Edition:
On Bed Friend forever
“Ironic as it may seem , it is precisely this set-up that gives the arrangement a certain sense of propriety and honesty. There are no expectations, and more importantly, there is no duplicity. I am not using sex in the hopes of someday getting him to commit, and neither is he pretending that what we have between us is something more than just sex. There are no illusions. Were both very much aware that the sex, no matter how hot or how wild, doesn’t give either of us license to expect or demand. We respect that we have our own lives, totally separate from each other. He cant always come at the drop of my panties. And neither can I always drop everything when I get a booty call. I cant configure my plans around a possible night in bed on the off chance that he might be free, but that’s just the way it is. It’s a form of self-preservation, necessary in relationships of any kind. At least this way you don’t get attached. You cant after all, fall in love with someone you don’t know very well. ”
I am sure that many have heard of the term F.U.B.U. No it’s not the clothing brand that I am talking about. When I first learned about what it meant, I felt left out – like I was the last to know – and that was years ago.
Now, everywhere I turn there’s always a small possibility of bumping into someone involved in this kind of a relationship.
I know a lot of people though who would snort in disdain or raise their eyebrows at the thought of indulging a fubu. In our pinoy community, there are many fubu relationships but few ever confess openly.
I heard one woman say “how could any woman allow herself to be trapped in a situation like that? Lugi sya don ah”. Common. Cliche. But I say, why use the words trapped? Or “lugi” for that matter. Who says the woman is the victim? It would not normally cross anyone’s mind that women do have their needs too, including sex. And if for some reason that need is satisfied by having a sexual relationship without the burden of commitment then who are we to say nay to it.
And that is why I appreciate what was written in that article. It brings to light the challenges women have dealing with their own sexual needs and desires. The world is easy to chastise and utterly unforgiving in this kind of scenario, that most tend to hide behind pseudo nicks and alter egos. 
But what we all have to realize is that yearning for connection is something that is characteristic of all of humanity – regardless of sex.
And connection is not synonymous to commitment or love.
A soft touch, a caress, a warm naked body spooning yours, a kiss on the nape, hot breath in your ears, legs tangled up with your own.
… Sometimes it’s only just about sex.
***Picture courtesy of fionski
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as long as you both enjoyed it with no regrets, it’s fun. let’s say, both deserves to have a nice treat
@g0ma
- Ditto!
How I wish I can have a FUBU ala Sex in the City, you know. First learned of this from Carrie Bradshaw and her friends. But Filipino society does not condone such things. The Filipina’s sexuality is terribly repressed and it comes out in inappropriate times and places like when she’s had too much to drink for instance. A sad state of affairs, isn’t it?
@Claire
- Yep. I hate it when alcohol drives women nuts enough to do something they will most likely regret the minute they turn sober. Don’t they realize that sex is very much enjoyable when you are not too wasted to enjoy it? It really is sad that such pretense and hypocrisy exists in our society. I hope you do find that person who will satisfy you (may or may not be a FUBU)
gulp! err…
shocked ako… hahaha repressed ba? how do you express your sexuality nga ba? 
@Mae
- Hehe. Don’t worry, youre still young not to be shocked. You can express your sexuality any way you want and it doesnt have to be soon. Did you ever hear about that saying that “Women’s lives begin at 30″? Just wait.
Hmm, I agree. It’s not always synonymous to commitment.
There is caveat to such kind of free relationship depending on the degree of information you possess.
If you tend to know the person well, there is gravity for emotional yearning. After all sex is a kind of emotional release to enjoy its primal character. It is so struggling. I mean, it has but with lingering effect wreaking your psyche underneath more than what you are willing to admit. Short of questioning your sanity to keep the nature of implied relationship free of imposition and the dreaded commitment. In pure sex, you are not just playing and disposing of energy. You are dealing with raw nerve endings that translate how you feel with the sexual onslaught. It is not uncommon to find out that you are hold by just a single strand of hair. To counter attachment, there is self imposition of detachment, blocking your thirst for knowledge and avoiding personal intimacy. At the outset, it provides the shut-off valve to leave the past behind. Why bother to stay when the nerve endings become dull and no longer sated with repeated sexual favor.
The other end of the spectrum is simply lack of knowledge. A virtual bliss when you wanted solo for your entire life but a recipe for disaster if you are young and hopeful for lasting family. Herpes is still incurable and can cause potential harm to unborn baby. You have to deal with myriads of STDs out there other than herpes. Free sex is a great illusion, you have to pay for it somewhere, emotionally or physically.
The world is scarier than what i used to know. I might sound of a moralist. But i have no problem with FUBU or friends with benefits as long as both players are single. Coz the world is defined according to ones taste or preferences. However, that is entirely different story when one is married and each one pledge to honor each other. Treading into sexual territory other than your committed partner is pure and simple betrayal.
Why i bring it up? In most cases, the window for singles is between 10 to 15 yrs, or maybe shorter if one get married early with the exception of those choosing single as vocation. The most part of ones entirely life is spent being married. Strong sexual appetite may find restrictive within the confines of marriage.
Most faithful spouses had regretted about betrayal, but more of the fact that the erring spouse found sexual intimacy with someone else. There is a creeping thought that while you are doing the sex, your spouse is fantasizing with someone else but you.
Unfortunately, human mind is not easy to erase or discard like cds.
when is the right time to get out of a FUBU?
@paolosbrew
- Should there be a right time? or rather should you wait for the right time to get out of such a relationship? My take on that is if you feel you want to get out of such a relationship then just do so and talk to your FUBU. Thats the thing with FUBUs – no strings attached – so it should be so much easier to get out of than everyday relationships… but thats just me.
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I super like this write up. I’m at a point in my life where a steady relationship is the last thing that I need. However, there is a yearning for some sort of physical and emotional intimacy. But of course, I don’t wish to get myself trapped. If I get both from the same guy, then it’s as good as getting involved in a deeper relationship, which is, as, I said, not something that I need now. So what I do is to get fulfillment from 2 different guys. One guy is the guy I get to talk to. The other, is the guy with whom I have fabulous sex with. And believe me, there’ll be no painful attachments or whatever. What’s just sad is that things like these – having a FUBU and all, is something which I can’t talk openly about.
MJ – I guess it depends on the kind of guy you get to have as your FUBU. Sometimes you can find a FUBU that you can also talk to without the danger of emotional attachment. I know someone (wink wink) who’s FUBU was also a best friend and colleague so both the fabulous sex and the “talking” is satisfied. Bottom line you just have to be honest with the guy about what you want and dont want. And if he is not the right FUBU guy… well then maybe someone else would be. Believe me there are tons out there who you can have fabulous sex with…
The concept of FUBU is still taboo in our country and culture where most people are very religious. I know the feeling of not being able to openly talk about it. Its disappointing sometimes how our girl friends are the first ones to not understand but most secretly wonder what it is about or even have one of their own. I guess we just have to adapt and pinoys have to start being real about themselves.
Good luck to you and your FUBU.
True. I let my FUBU or FB as I call him, read this. I just wanted him to understand what it’s like for women to get themselves involved in FUBUs.
Thanks Apples for this well-written blog entry =)
MJ – Wow. I hope your FB has gotten something out of my entry. I am glad that I have given you something to think about. Feel free to come back!
Good luck!
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