Divorce
I work for a company that employs people from around the world. Because of that, I had the opportunity to immerse myself in the different cultures of the people I worked with. I got to know Americans, Italians, Brits, Australians, Japanese, Chinese, Indians and many more.
Because of this diversity, very interesting conversations materialize during lunch or coffee breaks. One such discussion was about arranged marriages and divorce. You see back then, I had a colleague who had requested for a month long PTO (personal time off). When we asked, he revealed that he was going to meet his future wife and her family for the first time.
We were like… whaaaat?
It was true. His parents had already arranged his marriage the day he was born. We all launched on him with our questions and queries. All of us could not accept that in this day and age, arranged marriages still exist. And not only did they exist, but many intelligent and sensible human beings actually accept this situation and embrace it in their lives.
But amidst all the commotion, we sensed our friend getting irritated. He stopped us with a compelling statement. He said …
“What is so wrong with arranged marriages? Do you know that in India, where majority are involved in arranged marriages, divorce rate is very low? In America where you are free to choose who you spend your life with, half of all unions end up in divorce?”
Hmm, come to think of it - if you look at the divorce rate numbers you may be inclined to be taken by it. Would you submit yourself to an arranged marriage? I know I won’t.
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Probably because they have to work doubly hard to make things work… unlike some of us who take things for granted.
If I were brought up in India, I probably would consider it an honor to have a marriage arranged so early. It probably means I am a desirable bride.
Sorry, what is his point? Does he acknowledge that divorced women in India are treated with scorn and as a pariah? Their lives are considered over. There is no shared custody of children; unless the woman come from a rich family, her husband will get full custody of the children. She will have no money and probably no prospects for re-marriage; unlike say in the U.S. or Canada. So there is no wonder they would be afraid of divorcing their husbands even if they were unhappy or abused. They are very stigmatized.
It’s a fallacy to say that because our divorce rates are low, we have better marriages. Asus!
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/world/article415950.ece
Sorry ha, I’m very pro-women’s rights.
I know some years back that this (arranged marriage) happens in Japan also. I am not sure if it still does.
Meanwhile, my aunt was forced to marry a complete stranger when she was 16 (She is now about 90 and stayed married with the same man until his death last year!)
MegaMom - Come to think of it, most of those I have asked were Indian men. I don’t think I have had the opportunity to talk about this from a woman’s (a woman who grew up in India) point of view.
pinayhekmi - I guess its partly our fault that we ganged up on him with our disbelief and he probably felt he had to bring up a good point about India’s arranged marriages. But I really cannot imagine having my future secured by my parents without asking how I felt about it. What if I did not want to get married? What if I were gay?
Sef - I heard about that too. I think it also happens in China or in some Chinese families. Maybe it happens in many other cultures that we haven’t thought of.
Cheers to your aunt! Marriage is hard enough without the difficulty of experiencing it with someone you do not know.
[...] Divorce | Family Issues | personal blog of a Filipina mother of 2 [...]
[...] Divorce | Family Issues | personal blog of a Filipina mother of 2 [...]
A marriage of convenience will almost always result in a divorce of hardship! An arranged marriage is brought on by an obligation of service to one’s individual family. To most of us Americans, there usually is a time limit upon that obligation but to most cultures this is a lifelong obligation and carries on into the following generations.
If I may with respect, pick on the marriage of conveniences for the whole “mail order bride’ for instance. Now I used to frown upon these types of relationships. They usually serve as a tool for most overseas spouse to obtain citizenships and charter other family members to come abroad. My wife’s aunt came from the Philippines and married right away to a fairly well off American and started petitioning other family members here as I suspected. She was even the butt of many jokes in our family for this type of behavior and we often discussed behind her back how long it would take before she obtained her green card or citizenship before she left him to venture on her own having had her fill of him. We were all mistaken as she is still married to him today after 12 years of marriage and just as dedicated to him.
I apologize if I am off topic but I think the point I am making is that most cultures do have a much higher regard for marriage. I am not trying to say anything contrary to what pinayhekmi was saying about how other cultures tend to chastise us about our limited relationship when she is absolutely correct in pointing out how divorced is frowned upon especially for single women/mothers. The only argument I will make is that most of those relationships would tend to stay together even if they were given the same freedoms we enjoy here because of the already determination and values instilled in them. I am rambling now.
V/r
crazy4pinays - Thanks for your thoughts. You are right in a lot of ways especially about staying together even if there is freedom to leave.
Here in the Phils., majority still have a high regard for marriage, but many already do not.. many others do not even believe in marriage anymore and some still fantasize about the perfect wedding to the man of their dreams. And while I grew up believing that two people who live together are always married and divorce is not an idea that is entertained, I am no longer shocked about the different relationships/arrangements that I have witnessed.
Like most people (I think), I dont like to be put in a situation where divorce is an option. But knowing myself, I can never live with somebody who I did not choose to be with in the first place. But that’s me and I am just blessed that the man I chose, also chose me.
I am an Australian of Indian origin, I am married to a Filipina woman we both are Christians, this concept of arranged marraige is very dangerous and outdated, mostly hindus and muslims practice this system, Christians on the other hand are more open minded and get to know the person that God brings in their life and if it is right they get married because they love each other
90% of Arranged marraiges in India are loveless, no feelings, like total strangers it is done out of pressure, out of money reasons, out of prestige reasons, some chinese , arab and japanese also do the same.
urbanized areas of India, this concept is fast changing, and marriages out of choice are becoming a common place.
Who is crazy to marry a total stranger ? when the real person meant for you is out there somewhere. makes no sense.
indo australian - Being of Indian origin, you would have insight on how it really is with Indian practices and concepts. I think it is good that you had a choice to live your life the way you want it.
Although divorce is a reality, I do not think anyone (anyone sane hehe) sets out to wish it for themselves. I still feel that people believe in love and commitment regardless of what happens in between.
Personally, I cannot imagine getting divorced but more so getting married or at least spending the rest of my life with someone I do not know.
[...] will never be complete as long as my family is not whole. And with the way things are going, this is how it will remain to [...]
Hi! I am Fil-Am and once was very deeply in love with a British-Indian man. His older brother had already married inter-racially and it had been a devastating thing to their father. Our romance had no chance. Once his friends and family found out about me, he was given every reason why he should let me go. He did and eventually was introduced to an Indian woman that he liked and that the family approved of. He married her and I can only imagine that with the support and involvement of such a family around them, they have built a loving family and home for themselves. I think now that ANY type of marriage where extended family members are lovingly and actively concerned is more likely to be successful.
I would not have been happy with him living so far from my own family. And, he probably would’ve had a difficult time balancing a foreign wife with his family. Even though that experience was heartbreaking for me, it opened up my eyes to the fact that different doesn’t always mean wrong.
Oh, BTW!! The marriage of my grandfather and grandmother was arranged. Both families owned huge plantations. My grandfather married only out of obligation. But, 9 kids later and dozens and dozens of grandchildren and great-grandchildren.. Who’s gonna protest?!
Gloria - I think your grandparents are examples of what commitment really means. Oftentimes, even with people we have chosen ourselves, we encounter obstacles that make it too tempting to just give up and go. Many do. Others stay.
With marriages that are not arranged, the choice should not stop at who you will marry. You will have to continue to make the same choice every waking day of your life. At the end of the day, that what counts the most.
Thanks for sharing
Don’t generalize all Indians. There are at least 2000 different ethnic groups in India and many cultural practices. Among forward minded and educated Christian Indians such things don’t exist.
Arranged marriages are barbaric. There is no real love in that marriage, they marry only to please others. That marriage has no love, no compatibility , they remain stuck in it for rest of their lives only to please others. Arranged marriages have low divorce rates just to save face, in reality, they are divorced already in their hearts. Affairs are rampant in arranged marriages.
When someone marries, you marry someone because you need him/her in your life and can’t live without him/her and part of him/her in your life. No matter what race, what ethnicity or nation he/she may come from.
And to such things as social pressure that is a lie. Those who succumb to such social pressure are weak nothing more nothing less. If their parents or relatives force them and threaten them saying “if you don’t marry him/her we cut you out of our lives ” = blackmail simple as that.
No true parent will cut or destroy their son or daughter out just because their son and daughter refuse to get into bed with someone they don’t want to get.
Real love is all about accepting you as who you are and being there fore you no matter what.
I am Indian,take it from me, I left India and moved on. I will marry any woman i love from any nation on earth.
Ultimately i know i will be loved by people around me and will always have social support, depending on with whom i make friends.
There are millions of Indians who don’t go for arrange marriage, who have married with women and men from all over the world.
They dont give a hoot about what some blackmailer thinks
AND THERE ARE PLENTY OF INDIANS MARRIED HAPPILY TO FILIPINAS AND OTHER NATIONALITIES.
[...] was not an arranged marriage, nor was it a marriage of convenience (for the sake of a green card). My cousin and her boyfriend [...]