Marrying a foreigner
Is there something in the air? Several of my friends and a cousin are now on their way abroad to settle down with their foreign boyfriends. In fact, I just came from a going away party for my cousin who is off to Minneapolis tomorrow, with T, her American boyfriend.
It might sound or feel like such a cliche, but I personally don’t think it is.
It was not an arranged marriage, nor was it a marriage of convenience (for the sake of a green card). My cousin and her boyfriend are colleagues at the multinational company she works for. They met, fell in love and now they are getting married. The family met T and he is indeed adorable. I believe he will take care of my cousin and their family well.
I recall some 7 years ago when I was in L.A. visiting my relatives, I was introduced to about three or four foreigners by my cousins and by my friends. They were hoping that I hook up with someone and prayed that I would marry a foreigner and stay in the U.S. for good. I had a lot of fun going out and partying with them, but I did not have the heart to tell my relatives I wasn’t looking to marry myself a foreigner. Not that I had anything against them. I just never found or met anyone I really fancied.
My friends and I used to imagine what it would be like having to live with someone you couldn’t speak to in your native language. Although we all had good English communication skills, it would be quite a task to have to speak English 24 hours a day. What happens if you are mad and just want to scream - “Ano ka ba?” or some other familiar phrase in Filipino? It would probably take a few seconds of translating in your mind the words you want to say and by the time you are done, your anger has dissipated. Of course that would be a very tiny picture of the actual reality people face when they marry someone of a different race or origin.
So I guess that’s me. I personally don’t think I am up to that kind of challenge. A lot of my friends are and I admire them for it. The one thing that I do not like about marrying a foreigner is that I do not get to see my friends and I miss them so much.
To Bes - Wherever you are, married or not I know you are having the time of your life wherever you are (UK or HK)
To Bes(2) - I know you are very happy with J. I am glad I helped you meet him.
To Gette - Hang in there. I am so happy for the love that you share with T. I hope you are blessed with children of your own soon!
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well, it’s not as if you can choose the person you fall in love with, di ba? and yes, while there are many obstacles (language, culture, etc), usually, people in multiracial relationships that eventually end up in marriage have a lot of common ground to make it work naman. walang pinagiba sa isang, lets say, ilocano, marrying a pampango.
love indeed conquers all.
That anger thing you talked about dissipating by the time you get to translate? Could actually be thought of as an advantage, di ba? I mean, that is one of the things they tell you, when in anger, stop and think about what you say or you might say things you do not really mean.
But I understand what you are saying. I am married to an American, not for anything other than I fell in love with him. And it is tough to speak a language other than what you grew up with, 24 hours a day. But, I made the decision to live in a foreign country way before I decided to marry someone other than a Filipino.
ruth - You are right. It is just like an Ilocano falling in love with a Pampango.
MarysMom - Yes the dissipating anger can turn out to be a good thing. You are truly an admirable person because you have accepted the challenge. You could have chosen not to live a life where you will have to translate your thoughts (so to speak) and chosen the easy way out. But you did not. I wish I had the same strength.
Indeed! Is there something in the air? Filipinas do notably marry outside the race. I myself am married to an Irishman. All my (3) sisters have married non-filipinos. A co-worker once commented to me that he noticed a lot of filipinas marry outside the race. Here in Los Angeles, you see a lot of Asian (Japanese, Chinese, Korean, etc.) women with Caucasian men. The same co-worker asked me if there was a reason for this. Mind you, these are not women who need to marry for convenience. I had no idea how to answer him. I went for filipino boys all throughout school. I find lots of them attractive and marriage-material. It just didn’t happen for me– and from what I’m seeing a lot of other Asian women as well. Stereotypes, perhaps? Maybe the lure of something different or adventurous? I couldn’t tell you..
love goes beyond skin color, language, culture, traditions.. i didn’t plan to be with a foreigner too, for the same reason as you’ve written (among others of course), how could i say familiar filipino phrases if i’m angry.. but no worries, i fully adapted their language (french) and i could be angry all i want and express it lol.. and yes, even there, love still continues..
I speak for myself being married to a “foreigner” but then it really depends where we are in my case I’m now the foreigner. And no, I didn’t need to marry in order to get a green card because I could have gotten it through employment since they also sponsored me to get here.
I have dated Filipino guys before but I didn’t have quite the luck with any of them. I was mature for my age and most of the guys were totoy even if they were 5 + years my senior. I didn’t want to be a mother to my husband.
Love is color blind
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just wanted to add 2 things to your posting.
1) My father and I are both married to foreign women. My father is on his second foreign marriage. The woman he was married to before his most recent one was Korean (She passed away some time ago.) The new one is from Columbia which is obviously on the other side of the world for my father. My wife (as if you couldn’t guess hee hee) is pinay. I wont speak for myself because I have a different relationship with my wife but my father seems to feel invigorated by his size in proportioned to both of his wives. Both are/were small and very family oriented (some might confused this with obedience but if you lived with a korean stepmother you knew who wore the pants in the family. I think its a sort of Hunter/gatherer and keep the fire burning type of relationship. I am certainly not trying to speak for all relationships that pertain to this subject but being in the Army and seeing how most foreign relationships are I can probably say that this is USUALLY the case with military/foreign marriages. The woman is very loyal (at least until she comes to the “Land of the big PX”) and she empowers the male, strokes his ego to make him feel important within as his role in the family. Now as I said this is a little different for me because my wife and I are both empowered in some of the same areas of responsibilities. I can take care of the kids, cook the dinner, clean house (except laundry, I hate laundry) and I am not threatened during the times when my wife makes more money or is more focused on her career and we can swap positions without usually missing a beat.
2nd) The is something oddly erotic with the mixing of cultures. I have learned my wifes native tongue and try to teach my children to speak it or at least see it’s influences on their heritage. I find myself being a little forward but I feel it might be appropriate given the topic. I love the contrast of our cultures and how they stand out. I love the mocha skin color of their skin, the almond shape eyes, the funny way they point with their mouth. I love their sense of humor that can only truly be appreciated when you are engaged in their culture. If you stand outside of it, you wont get it, its (pardon the pun) foreign to you.
bakit lahat yata nung sumagot foreigner ang asawa, hehe. when i get angry, i explode in tagalog, sometimes too. but since my hubby and kids are used to it now, alam na nila
esp since we have been using the word ‘makulit’ and ‘kulit’ for a very very long time. and yes, i guess like KK, i was looking for someone who would take care of me and not to mother around…
Gloria - I too believe a lot of these marriages or relationships are really not of convenience (although some are). One thing I can think of is access. Maybe if we all stayed where we are then nobody would be marrying outside their country of origin. Such a simplistic view but if you think about it, more people are able to travel and with that they meet different people. This gives them a chance to fall in love with foreigners and maybe eventually marry them.
analyse - so you’ve mastered all the French bad words?
Tina - “I didn’t want to be a mother to my husband.”
So that’s why… maybe I should have married a foreigner. Hehe.
crazy4pinays - I got you. I like how your second point, how you put into words how one sees another person’s culture. Although I am married to a pinoy (100%), I have always been fascinated with Italian men. I met some in the 30yrs or so of my life and each one I met was a like a magnet for me. I think my husband is thankful there are no Italian men around us. Teehee.
raqgold - I think sometimes using your native tongue to spew out your frustration is a good thing. At least the people around you can associate that with… “oh no, she is angry now”.
I’m Pinay married to ethnic Pinoy, both half Tagalog/half Ilocano, and yet, we’re as foreign as some “foreigners” can be! I guess what I mean is between the two of us, differences are differences, and skin color or race has nothing to do with it.
Now I can also see where the “color” matters, that is when you step out of the boundaries of the two of you. Families for example, may have varied reactions (just like you with your cousins).
MegaMom - I can imagine how foreign it is being married to someone not of the same hometown even if it is the same country. Especially here in the Philippines where customs, beliefs and practices vary. The striking difference is seen between a person brought up in the city and a person brought up in the province. No need to elaborate but you get the picture.
I am temporarily residing out of Philly. And well, I’m not looking for anyone from here. And I wanna marry a Filipino. lol. (Gosh. Bata pa ko for this. lol) So, I don’t see myself marrying a foreigner. Though I consider half-half. Like, Fil-Am, Fil-Aussie, basta may Filipino blood. lol. But I won’t say it’s final. Like, only God knows diba. Anyways, just dropping by.
Fei - Thanks for dropping by. From your blog, I assume you are a student there and yes I agree too young to be thinking about marriage especially if you are there on a mission to educate yourself. Just enjoy it. But you know, sometimes, even if we do not mean to look, it happens. It may happen to you.
Just read this today, syempre special mention ako. After 5 yrs married, here are my observation. Language - I surprise myself how I adjusted. I can now speak their slang, though there are times I still throw a blank face and T has to explain to me what it means. Arguments - few times I curse him in Tagalog, then when I calmed down a bit, I translated it better terms. After a few arguments, I became articulate in fighting back in English, good skill for work too. Cultural differences - you just have to explain and come to an agreement.
One thing that I did not expect that became difficult is when I hang out with Filipino friends. It is kinda awkward when T is the only American and he does not have a lot of common with the other Filipino guys. I became torn, I want to hang out with my friends but I do not want my husband to feel left out. So I choose the Filipino gatherings that I bring my husband.
Hey Gette! Miss you so much! Thank you so much for sharing your experience. Its invaluable to those who are wondering what its like. I think it takes special people to be able to live a life with someone brought up in a different way or in a different language, or a different country. Take care of yourself!