Are we allowed to get mad at our parents?

August 1, 2008 | Filed in: Parenting

Are we allowed to get mad at our parents? And if we are… are we allowed to stay mad at them? It would not be a normal household if children and their parents do not argue or fight with each other. Although many times during these so called fights subtle stabs at one’s guilt will be done. How often have you heard parents say to their kids: "I bore you for 9 months!….", "I sent you to a good school…", and from the movie Riding In Cars with Boys - "I am your mother and that means you are not allowed to stay mad at me!".

The TV series Brothers & Sisters is very meaningful to me. Perhaps its because its about family. I watch Sally Fields work at being the mother of five grown kids, challenged at keeping all of them together as each try their best to stay apart. Her unintentional attempts at manipulation, subtle pokes at her kid’s weaknesses, pulling at her child’s guilt are just some of the things you will witness. And it is no different in real life. More than once I have been cajoled into going into a family gathering even when I had other plans that are as equally important. And when the arguments start, and the silence drags on, I would always be the first to give in and feel guilty about bringing misery to my parents.

Now that I am a parent, there are some things I promised myself I would not do.

my children will not feel that they should be grateful for 9 months (x1000) that I have borne them in my womb
I vow to be self-sufficient and not make my children feel that they need to take care of me
they will not be made responsible for my happiness or my life
they will be made independent, caring and compassionate
they will be taught to value what is important to them and not what is important to me
whatever I do now to provide for them is my choice and they will not be made to pay for it

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20 Comments so far

I think it’s just natural that at some point we do get mad at our parents. They love us, but they can hurt us too, or do or say things that will hurt us. And I think parents should also realize this. They cannot always be right, though they may always be thinking only of what’s best for their children.

I’ve already grown tired of statements such as we’ve done so much for you etcetera, etcetera, especially during recent arguments. I feel that it has been designed to be an argument when they cannot think of any more valid arguments. Yup, I agree that children shouldn’t be made to feel guilty that a mother has to bear them for 9 months. To be blunt about it, it is the parents’ choice to bear children, and not the children who asked parents so that they may be born.

I love my parents. But I do argue with them, especially when they’ve hurt me or when they do not see what I’m trying to tell them because they’re stuck on seeing only what they believe. It’s healthy, I think. After all, we’re a family of thinking, rational beings.

Oh, by the way, why do you have 2 boxes for comments?

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Tess - I agree. I also think that there will come a point in our lives when we realize that we just have to live our lives our way.

Thanks for the feedback by the way. I fixed it already.

I was deliriously happy when I was pregnant. I wouldn’t use that against my daughter if I ever got angry with her. Now, what the pregnancy did to my weight and figure! Now THAT is a different story!

Parents (especially Asian parents) want their children to be successful and upstanding ideals of the culture. This inevitably leads to parent/child conflict because we are all individuals. We have different ideas, different stories, different agendas, different hopes and fears.. Maybe you need to re-watch Joy Luck Club.

Someone recently told me that when his daughter and wife argue, he coaches his daughter to try and convince her mother to seeing her side instead of fighting with her. And if that fails, just agree to disagree. But, never show disrespect and always let them know you love them!

GloriaMC - I realize of course that we are different. And although I argue with my parents, I know that they know that I love them very much. I guess I just want to stop hating myself everytime I give in to them just because I feel guilty or made to feel guilty.

getting mad is natural. it comes with being human. staying mad or harboring anger is a choice. making children guilty is wrong, as parents, our job is to prepare them for the real world, not make them feel awful about themselves.

most of the old-fashioned parenting are still present, but being aware that it is wrong is a good step to making a better decision. kudos to you for making a change! don’t feel guilty, guilt is very destructive to a person, children and parents alike.

Just today, my four-year old daughter got mad at me because I scolded her for hurting her sister. She wrote “Mama” on a piece of paper, and drew X’s all over it, like she were checking an exam. Hahaha, natawa ako actually, and I did tell her, it’s okay for her to get mad, but she won’t stay mad forever. Within minutes, she wrote my name on another piece of paper, this time with hearts, and she even drew butterflies and fairies alongside it.

Anger is a normal emotion that we should encourage expressing, but within limits. There are many kids’ books written for kids that deal with this matter. And parenting books too.

issai - I agree with you about our role to help prepare our kids for the real world. Although I do not agree with some old fashioned child rearing views, I cannot say that I turned out bad - in fact, I would say the total opposite (at least I hope so).

Pinay MegaMom - I think that anger should be treated as a normal emotion. I recall when I was a kid that I had bottled everything up inside because it just was not right to answer back. That happened even if I knew inside that I had a point and what I wanted makes sense for me. The bad side to that is I have never felt comfortable expressing anger or frustration even when it was necessary. Oh well.

reading your blog, i do not think you turned out bad at all. from your writing, i believe you are smart and willing to learn from mistakes. noone’s perfect, i’m a young mother trying to learn from other people’s parenting. and i believe your blog is a good read for me. same with ms. noemi dado and sexy mom. there’s a lot of wonderful moms out there. it’s very inspiring reading about mom bloggers and reading their works.

take care!

issai - I am glad you like reading and visiting my blog. I too love Noemi and Dine’s articles and love them more in person (have you met them?). I too learn from other parenting blogs like theirs. Cheers!

no, i haven’t met them in person but i would love to. i haven’t had the chance to go back to the philippines. but i joined their filipina campaign.

issai - Well as soon as you plan to visit, let us know then we can set up a meet with the other moms.

i think, as long as we let the kids express their emotions, it would be okay. of course, we need to explain and talk to them about the consequences of their actions when they are angry and when we, as parents, got angry

I totally agree that we should not expect our kids to “pay” as back. They have their own personalities and we need to respect that. Ofcourse we should also provide the basics, or the mold, because we all want to have good children.

i totally agree with you. moms should read your list..

raqgold - i learned that too - about explaining why youre angry. of course i also try to find out why my kids are angry as well.

mixednuts - Our kids are not supposed to pay us back. We should equip them so that they will be become independent and self-sufficient as they grow up. We should also equip ourselves so that we do not depend on our children when we are old and gray.

I am not a mom yet..I’m just a teenager..but i totally agree with you..

i hope my mom could read this article to know how she should treat me..

and i vow to myself that if ever i become a mom..

i would not do to my child.. the treatment i got from my mother..

syd - Its unfortunate that you and your mom have differing views. You should realize though that your mom is only doing what she feels is best for you, what she herself has been brought to believe is right. It is difficult to hope that our parents will change but we should love them and learn from them and hope to become better ourselves.

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Hi! My name is ApplesH. I am a 30-something corporate slave kept alive by a steady stream of instant, brewed or flavored coffee. I can cook, clean, and drive like a maniac. I am also a devoted, demanding, and passionate wife. To my boys, I am a fiercely protective, doting, and proud mother. I am crazy about my husband and my kids. This is my life and here is my story.

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