Mother of 2

My writing is inspired by extremely emotional experiences that are either happy or really really sad. Usually I do not find it hard to come up with the words I need to create a full post. This time, I am challenged.

A month ago, my father suffered a heart attack. He was in the intensive care unit for 3 days but luckily recovered and eventually discharged. Last week, he passed away after being in a coma for 4 days. He had a smile on his face as his heart stopped.

You are probably wondering why I am not mourning and I must say I am fulfilling my father’s wish to feel happy instead of sad as his physical suffering has ended and he has now met with his Creator.

Recalling the weeks after his first attack, I realize there were tons of "signs" that my father was not planning to stay long. There were the heart to heart talks with all of his children; there were the casual references to dying that drove my mom crazy; the instructions he made sure we knew in case he has another attack; his last day spent at Fun Ranch for his grandson’s birthday. He filled his remaining weeks with as much fun as he could squeeze out of it. He left us with a happy image of a man who had an awesome life instead of a suffering one.

The whole family was wearing an assortment of colorful shirts and tops as we bid him goodbye when he was laid to rest at Loyola Memorial Park. If anyone else found that weird, we didn’t. We were celebrating my father’s happiness and black was not allowed, although tears were not exactly forbidden. We would have brought balloons if that were not overly outrageous.

I asked my sister that day, why I did not feel like my chest would burst with heaviness. She said it was because there are no regrets and no what ifs with the death of our father. He lived a full life and a happy one so why grieve?

Back to my dilemma. I am neither extremely sad nor am I happy that my father is gone. I am just at peace. Now isn’t that a great?